Wednesday, January 22, 2014

"Being Strong"

Last month I thought a lot about the phrase, "You're so strong."

What does that even mean?

Don't cry? Don't make any rash decisions? Don't let anyone see your pain?

None of those things seem very strong to me.  I've learned that sometimes the strongest thing I do is melt into a puddle on the tile of the shower and let my tears wash down the drain.

Or wait, even stronger.  Finding my brother wrapped in his own arms downstairs, then crying with him until we just sit quietly wrapped in each others arms instead.

How about, postponing the receipt of condolences and people's best efforts to comfort until I am ready to process them one at a time.

Maybe even acknowledging to my husband that I am dependent on his support and help.  That is pretty strong.

I've learned what it means to cry until you can't anymore.  I didn't run out of tears.  I ran out of energy.
I got a taste for how it just might be possible to die of a broken heart.

I learned that it will all be okay, and when it's not…that's still okay.  I guess that is being strong.



In 2013 my life was touched by a birth and a death.  These two events were more similar than I ever would have imagined.

Both were painful, spiritual, and life changing.

I'd heard that giving birth was awful, and it was.

But it was also beautiful, angels were present, the veil was thin, and God was in charge.

I'd heard that death was awful, and it was.

But it was also beautiful, angels were present, the veil was thin, and God was in charge.