Monday, January 12, 2015

Reflecting: 20 Months of Motherhood

*Disclaimer:  This post has a little bit of a journal entry flavor to it.  A little bit of a downer in an honest kind of way.  Don't be alarmed. Life is actually deeply wonderful right now. :)  

Today I wanted to be selfish. 

but I'm a mom and it isn't allowed.

sometimes I wish it was...

I wanted to do the dishes all in one go; get them all taken care of.  James wanted to put the soap in, taste the dirty spoons, and put the plates back in the sink.  So, I did a little here, a little there and still have a smelly pile awaiting washing. 

I wanted to totally rock all my new years resolutions in one go.  cleaner, artsier, wiser, prettier all today.  James wanted to play the I'll-destroy-while-you-clean-up game one furniture item and room at a time. (milk spills, discovering ants under his highchair, :(  finding rogue pens, flushed toilet paper, toys in the dryer, broken dishes, unplugged computer, unfolded linens, the usual)

I can't tell you how many times I tried to put him down for a nap today...before he was ready.  Which meant he spent all day rested but never sleeping. 

I guess I just wanted him to go away, so I could do things my way, without double checking that the lids are on and the doors closed and the sharp things out of reach.  I didn't want to show him how or teach him no. 

Notice how all my sentences start with "I."  Yeah.  I knew they did in the moment too.  I just couldn't talk myself out of it.  Trying to demand my way made me very cranky.  I couldn't fix it by telling myself I'd paint my nails or watch a movie later.  I wasn't crabby because I wanted "me time," I get an adequate amount of that.  I was drained because I wanted to do more and faster than motherhood allows. 

Weird to be worn out by doing less. 

Writing is doing and I can't help but feel better when I spend time thinking about how much James is learning and growing.  So I'm here with a whole tub of ice cream ready to write about a hodge-podge of happy mom things,

like James pointing to himself and saying his name.  Yup, that's pretty adorable.  Normally I'd put quotes around the cute baby talk way he says things, but the best way to spell the way he says his name is, "James!"  :)  His pronunciation of all words is astoundingly good.  It must be those English teaching grandparents of his. 

He is affectionate.  Today at my midwife appointment, while she measured my belly, he scooted over to my head and planted a kiss right on my mouth.  Already a little jealous of baby brother?  I think yes.

He understands.  Blank baby stares have turned into knowing nods or sneaky defiance.  The world is being SOAKED in.  Every new word, sound, sight is being processed and absorbed.  A few days ago after a royal, pregnant melt down, he pointed to the tears on my face with concern and said, "eyes?" Those little cocked eyebrows and worried blue eyes were just too much.  I asked for a hug and he obliged. 

He is BUSY.

If I'm being too boring he finds his shoes and insists that it's time to "go" somewhere.

Nursery is still a mystery to me.  This is a child who was literally (as apposed to figuratively) doing summersaults at my appointment today, dances impulsively when music is played, offers kisses to newly aquatinted ward members, and happily waves "bye, bye" when we ditch him with a sitter, but put him in a room of toys and friends and he looses his mind.  Go figure.

Ha, I guess while I'm pondering motherhood it would be good to include baby #2!  We are only a month and half from meeting him. (mind blown) This pregnancy has been so peaceful.  I was lucky enough to have a joyful birthing experience with James and so my thoughts are optimistic.  Add to that the sneaky way my mom brain forgets the hard parts and make it seem like it was easier than it really was.  When I put it that way I'm probably in for the surprise of my life when another little person is delivered through my body and turns my world upside down and inside out again.

Will I have enough love for another child?  I know I will, but how does that happen?!  How does momhood take a selfish being like me and give it the capacity to love so intensely, twice!

I think I just had a breakthrough about the first few paragraphs of this post.  Today I wanted to be creative.  I've got a bazillion DIY projects in my mental file that this nesting momma wants to bust out.  Gallery walls, graphic designs, organizing projects, mending, and repairing.  However, creativity and problem solving take brain space.  I think mine is a little preoccupied with the awesomely creative task of growing a baby and keeping his big brother alive.

Oh, Tikla.  That is plenty creative right there.