Monday, June 29, 2015


I don't usually write to you, this time I am. 

It's almost midnight and you are finally tucked back in for bed.  You woke crying hysterically and daddy got up and held you.  Nothing was soothing I tried to help but you were still so sad.  Maybe it was a bad dream maybe gas pains? who knows, but I sure couldn't understand you and nothing seemed to help.  You finally settled into my arms and stopped the wailing.  Dad went back to bed and I held you.  You usually bouncy wild body was still and snuggled.  I smelled your hair and kissed your forehead and wondered and how you possibly got so big.  Wasn't I just holding you like this yesterday the day you were born? No, it wasn't yesterday it was two years ago.  Now your big boy body doesn't fit in my arms.  You're heavy and strong, but you're still my James.

I've always been confused by the expression, "eyes stinging with tears," maybe it's a mom thing because I get it now.  Those tears that come so unexpectedly to my eyes as I watch you grow and do good.  My loving, awesome boy who shares everything, loves to be doing and moving, and is learning to be soft.  You are incredible, from your double cowlick to the perfectly round birthmark on the back of your calf.  Thanks for coming to our family buddy.  We sure love having you.  You fell asleep in my arms.  You never do that.  Maybe when you were itty bitty tiny, but very rarely since.  Your lashes rested on your cheeks and your breathing was heavy, your paci stopped moving and your silky was under your chin. 

After some more stingy tears and lots of gratitude prayers I carried you back to your bed. 

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Reflecting: Mother of 2 for 4 months

I'm not a runner.

Never have been, but I do know that in running it's important to pace yourself.  You don't start a marathon in full sprint because you'll wear out before the race is over.

I've realized I pace myself as a mother.  Then finish line? When Austin comes home. That sweet, sweet man who wrestles with James while Isaac watches from his swing with big, perpetually surprised eyes.  "I'm so glad when daddy comes home" is an understatement.

Today Austin installed a window air conditioning unit in our window (this week should be in the 100 degrees.)  James was all over getting the tools and fixin' with dad.  I don't know where he picked up dad instead of daddy, but it's about 50/50.  Today he took a break from hammering his screw driver into a piece of wood to inform me, "Mommy!  I banged it!  Uh dad n fixin' it! Come see? I did it!"

He is a talker these days.  The latest phrase, "Stay there."  As I tucked James in for bed the other night I used my finger to draw numbers and letters on his back.  Before I could get to each number he said it for me, "eight, nine, ten."  While coloring today he drew a long wiggly line and said, "M-E-S, James."  Guys he totally just almost spelled his name!!!  He's 2!!! You know how everyone thinks their kid is a genius....yeah, I have that problem.  My children are the cutest, smartest, bravest kiddos out there.  I couldn't be more proud of them.

There are so many cute things he says and it's impossible to describe his animated face as he says those cute words followed by a pouted bottom lip or sneaky side eyes or round surprise lips.

Today he and Isaac had a full on brotherly interaction, actually two of them.  I was holding Isaac on my thighs while sitting on the couch and James came over to "snuggle." (Snuggling is code for getting to have his pacifier and silky outside of nap and bedtime because he knows I'll give in if it means a few non-bouncy cuddles.)  Isaac had pulled out his own pacifier and was chewing on the side of it. For some reason James could not stop laughing.  "Isaac eat a paci!" (bursts of laughter)

Later James lay down next to Isaac on a blanket and his little flailing baby arms managed to find his big brothers shorts.  "Stop it Isaac!" (squeals of delighted laughter)  I think James might be even more excited than I am for the day when they can actually play and wrestle.

Did you know Austin and I can now carry on a full conversation about deep life changing topics while driving in the car, one hand holding in a pacifier, to the tune of E-I-E-I-O bellowed from the back seat? Oh yeah, we can.

I remember when we couldn't even talk about lunch if we were a little on the tired side.  I'm telling you this whole parenting thing changes you.  It's shock therapy, and somehow I'm turning into a better person.

Though in many ways I feel like I'm walking the wrong way down a moving sidewalk.  I'm making so much progress in so many areas and yet because the demands are keeping pace it appears like I'm getting nowhere.

There will be a day when the kitchen sink will always be shiny and the underwear folded, but today is not that day!

There will be a day when I can lie down on my carpet with out fear of being body slammed or having heavy books dropped on my face and then go to the bathroom with out fingers poking under the door, but today is not that day!

There will be a day when my babies will be grown-ups, my life more quiet, and my nights more restful.  Gratefully, today is not that day.